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ART MUSEUM ACQUIRES VALUABLE ART WORKS

The Himmelsk Royal Academy of Art has acquired three major works of art for its permanent collection. The first is an original ape-stract art by Cheeta, the original chimpanzee star who appeared in the 1930s and 1940s Tarzan films with Johnny Weissmuller and Maureen O'Sullivan. Cheeta is recognized by Guinness World Records as the world's oldest living chimpanzee. Cheeta has placed his genuine fingerprint on this remarkable work of art as the official seal of authenticity.

Also acquired are two photographs of art works by artist, comedienne, film, television, and stage actress, author, recording artist, spokesperson, gourmet cook, entrepreneur, concert pianist, philanthropist, and humanitarian Phyllis Diller. The two contemporary paintings from the artist's middle period, entitled "Woman in Hat with Rainbow Behind" and "Putting Down the Road," both extraordinary works of art, stated Himmelsk's Art Museum Director, Sir Basil Metabolism. "Together with the work by Cheetah, these works of art put the Himmelsk Museum in a class by itself," Sir Basil said.

NAVAJO LAKE MADE GOVERNMENT PRESERVE; SUBMARINE SIGHTED

Cedar City residents were furious Wednesday when word was received that Navajo Lake on Cedar Mountain will be made a government preserve and closed to the general public.

The scenic lake has been a favorite vacation spot for local residents and the brief demonstration yesterday at the Taco Makers restaurant on north Main indicated the extent of the public's ire. More than a dozen demonstrators waved banners and shouted insults at the federal government between bites of soft tacos.

The lake will become a preserve annexed to the White House and will be used to entertain foreign dignitaries and Hollywood celebrities. To provide security for the lake's visitors, people will not be allowed within mortar fire of the body of water.

According to a White House spokesman, the lake will be planted with a variety of new fish, ranging from jawless vertebrates such as the lamprey and hagfish, and the shark, ray, chimaera, and lungfish, as well as bony fishes, a group that includes such commonly known fish as sea bass, tuna, anchovy, herring, and shad.

Security for the Navajo Lake retreat is under the direction of Homeland Security. A submarine believed to be the USS Virginia, commissioned in 2004, was sited at the lake last week. The USS Virginia is the lead ship of a new class of attack submarines built at Groton, Connecticut, and Newport News, Virginia. How it made its way to Navajo Lake is a mystery.

The retreat will also feature small luxury submarines capable of taking guests down to the lake's bottom in perfect comfort and absolute safety. Once at the lake's bottom, guests will be able to view the fascinating denizens of the deep through large, panoramic viewports, while relaxing in an interior replete with luxury and warmth.

Government officials confirmed that Navajo Lake will become a second Camp David as a vacationing spot for President Bush and his family. Because there is not sufficient housing at the lake to accommodate the president, his family, and foreign officials, as well as security personnel, a new building will be erected adjacent to the lake. Prominent architect I. M. Pei is rumored to be designing the structure, which will be built by local contractor Curtis Carter.

It is rumored the lodge will have a security tunnel that will extend from the lodge, down Cedar Mountain, and emerge near Taco Time restaurant. The president is known to be a great fan of Mexican food.

Since Navajo Lake is not in Himmelsk, the Himmelsk State Department declined to comment on the U.S. Government's plans.

IS ST. GEORGE PLANNING TO INVADE CEDAR CITY?

An exclusive by Cholly Knickerbocker

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. Despite denials by Cedar City officials, preparations are going forward to defend Cedar City against an anticipated attack from St. George. When will the strike take place? Those in the know expect it could be as early as Christmas but April 1 is the best estimate.

Why would St. George attempt to invade Cedar City? Out of sheer jealousy. Everyone knows the Sorghum Lappers have long coveted the University, the Utah Shakespearean Festival, the Utah Summer Games, the Heritage Theater, our aquifer, our airport, our crisp falls and springs, and -- most of all -- our much cooler summers, to say nothing of Cedar City's sophistication and art culture. Even Cedar City's winter and cold mountain air are looking better every year to Dixieites as the population booms in Washington County, the smog generated by ever increasing numbers of cars spreads a band of haze over the landscape, and continued global warming portent future Dixie summer temperatures in the Sahara Desert range.

How would they do it? They'd wait until the ROTC unit at SUU is away for summer camp, and then they would strike with "shock and awe." Insiders who swear they have seen copies of the secret St. George Battle Plan, say the Dixie Strike Force would attack the police departments of Cedar City, Enoch, Parowan and Iron County first, and once it has control of the police, it will then unleash a para-military unit that has been training near Pine Valley for several years. Composed primarily of skin-heads and Zoot Suiters, the Dixie Strike Force poses a formidable army.

The Battle Plan calls for the immediate arrest of nearly all of Cedar City's leaders, including the mayor; City Council; Chamber of Commerce officers; the staff of the Tourism Department; the officers of the Rotary, Lions, Kiwanis, and Elks Clubs; the officers of SUU including the Associated Students; and the captains of the Cedar High School and Canyon View High School football teams. Those arrested will be incarcerated at the Cross Hollows Equestrian Center. To demonstrate the futility of resistance, the St. George Battle Plan calls for the selection of someone out of the above for a public flogging to be held at High Noon in the middle of the Main Street Park.

Captured documents seized in a routine Interstate 15 car search for drugs, indicate the crazed Dixieites have identified a group of traitors, people who live among us but would be willing to sell us out at a moment's notice. They will constitute a puppet government with orders coming directly from the South. These are the same quislings who have advocated combining Dixie College and SUU for years. (And what would SUU gain by that? Absolutely nothing!)

Once the populace has been subdued, buses will be sent from St. George to take all the county's strapping youth down to Dixie where they will be expected to labor (for free, of course) mowing the lawns of golf courses, and spelling off workers in retirement homes. Those left behind in Cedar City will be deemed expendable, and shipped off in railcars to detention centers near Beryl and Newcastle.

We now know what the Dixieites are planning, and preparations are going forward to repel the attack. Rest assured we will be ready for the heathen whenever they dare breach the Black Ridge. We haven't been watching the newscasts from Iraq for nothing. It will be hard to defeat the much larger army St. George can muster, but Cedar City's residents will not lie down and play dead. They are determined this will be Dixie's Armageddon. And you can bank on it.


History Store Festival Royale Royal Family Himmelsk News

	Recent Stories in The Royal Standard ART MUSEUM ACQUIRES VALUABLE ART WORKS The Himmelsk Royal Academy of Art has acquired three major works of art for its permanent collection. The first is an original ape-stract art by Cheeta, the original chimpanzee star who appeared in the 1930s and 1940s Tarzan films with Johnny Weissmuller and Maureen O'Sullivan. Cheeta is recognized by Guinness World Records as the world's oldest living chimpanzee. Cheeta has placed his genuine fingerprint on this remarkable work of art as the official seal of authenticity. Also acquired are two photographs of art works by artist, comedienne, film, television, and stage actress, author, recording artist, spokesperson, gourmet cook, entrepreneur, concert pianist, philanthropist, and humanitarian Phyllis Diller. The two contemporary paintings from the artist's middle period, entitled "Woman in Hat with Rainbow Behind" and "Putting Down the Road," both extraordinary works of art, stated Himmelsk's Art Museum Director, Sir Basil Metabolism. "Together with the work by Cheetah, these works of art put the Himmelsk Museum in a class by itself," Sir Basil said. NAVAJO LAKE MADE GOVERNMENT PRESERVE; SUBMARINE SIGHTED Cedar City residents were furious Wednesday when word was received that Navajo Lake on Cedar Mountain will be made a government preserve and closed to the general public. The scenic lake has been a favorite vacation spot for local residents and the brief demonstration yesterday at the Taco Makers restaurant on north Main indicated the extent of the public's ire. More than a dozen demonstrators waved banners and shouted insults at the federal government between bites of soft tacos. The lake will become a preserve annexed to the White House and will be used to entertain foreign dignitaries and Hollywood celebrities. To provide security for the lake's visitors, people will not be allowed within mortar fire of the body of water. According to a White House spokesman, the lake will be planted with a variety of new fish, ranging from jawless vertebrates such as the lamprey and hagfish, and the shark, ray, chimaera, and lungfish, as well as bony fishes, a group that includes such commonly known fish as sea bass, tuna, anchovy, herring, and shad. Security for the Navajo Lake retreat is under the direction of Homeland Security. A submarine believed to be the USS Virginia, commissioned in 2004, was sited at the lake last week. The USS Virginia is the lead ship of a new class of attack submarines built at Groton, Connecticut, and Newport News, Virginia. How it made its way to Navajo Lake is a mystery. The retreat will also feature small luxury submarines capable of taking guests down to the lake's bottom in perfect comfort and absolute safety. Once at the lake's bottom, guests will be able to view the fascinating denizens of the deep through large, panoramic viewports, while relaxing in an interior replete with luxury and warmth. Government officials confirmed that Navajo Lake will become a second Camp David as a vacationing spot for President Bush and his family. Because there is not sufficient housing at the lake to accommodate the president, his family, and foreign officials, as well as security personnel, a new building will be erected adjacent to the lake. Prominent architect I. M. Pei is rumored to be designing the structure, which will be built by local contractor Curtis Carter. It is rumored the lodge will have a security tunnel that will extend from the lodge, down Cedar Mountain, and emerge near Taco Time restaurant. The president is known to be a great fan of Mexican food. Since Navajo Lake is not in Himmelsk, the Himmelsk State Department declined to comment on the U.S. Government's plans. IS ST. GEORGE PLANNING TO INVADE CEDAR CITY? An exclusive by Cholly Knickerbocker Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. Despite denials by Cedar City officials, preparations are going forward to defend Cedar City against an anticipated attack from St. George. When will the strike take place? Those in the know expect it could be as early as Christmas but April 1 is the best estimate. Why would St. George attempt to invade Cedar City? Out of sheer jealousy. Everyone knows the Sorghum Lappers have long coveted the University, the Utah Shakespearean Festival, the Utah Summer Games, the Heritage Theater, our aquifer, our airport, our crisp falls and springs, and -- most of all -- our much cooler summers, to say nothing of Cedar City's sophistication and art culture. Even Cedar City's winter and cold mountain air are looking better every year to Dixieites as the population booms in Washington County, the smog generated by ever increasing numbers of cars spreads a band of haze over the landscape, and continued global warming portent future Dixie summer temperatures in the Sahara Desert range. How would they do it? They'd wait until the ROTC unit at SUU is away for summer camp, and then they would strike with "shock and awe." Insiders who swear they have seen copies of the secret St. George Battle Plan, say the Dixie Strike Force would attack the police departments of Cedar City, Enoch, Parowan and Iron County first, and once it has control of the police, it will then unleash a para-military unit that has been training near Pine Valley for several years. Composed primarily of skin-heads and Zoot Suiters, the Dixie Strike Force poses a formidable army. The Battle Plan calls for the immediate arrest of nearly all of Cedar City's leaders, including the mayor; City Council; Chamber of Commerce officers; the staff of the Tourism Department; the officers of the Rotary, Lions, Kiwanis, and Elks Clubs; the officers of SUU including the Associated Students; and the captains of the Cedar High School and Canyon View High School football teams. Those arrested will be incarcerated at the Cross Hollows Equestrian Center. To demonstrate the futility of resistance, the St. George Battle Plan calls for the selection of someone out of the above for a public flogging to be held at High Noon in the middle of the Main Street Park. Captured documents seized in a routine Interstate 15 car search for drugs, indicate the crazed Dixieites have identified a group of traitors, people who live among us but would be willing to sell us out at a moment's notice. They will constitute a puppet government with orders coming directly from the South. These are the same quislings who have advocated combining Dixie College and SUU for years. (And what would SUU gain by that? Absolutely nothing!) Once the populace has been subdued, buses will be sent from St. George to take all the county's strapping youth down to Dixie where they will be expected to labor (for free, of course) mowing the lawns of golf courses, and spelling off workers in retirement homes. Those left behind in Cedar City will be deemed expendable, and shipped off in railcars to detention centers near Beryl and Newcastle. We now know what the Dixieites are planning, and preparations are going forward to repel the attack. Rest assured we will be ready for the heathen whenever they dare breach the Black Ridge. We haven't been watching the newscasts from Iraq for nothing. It will be hard to defeat the much larger army St. George can muster, but Cedar City's residents will not lie down and play dead. They are determined this will be Dixie's Armageddon. And you can bank on it.
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